Reflections on the horror of existence

I wrote this in my journal about four years ago. I wanted to put it here because it’s worth remembering these things, and being aware that my current sense of peace and fortunate privilege is all ultimately a part of the universal awareness trying to hide from the horror of itself.

It’s been a while since my LSD trip. About three months. And I feel like I’m gradually coming back to some kind of sanity and reality. But I feel like things have changed forever, like I’ve woken up to a reality that is more intense and terrifying, but also more vivid and beautiful, than I could have ever imagined.

I think the biggest change has been that I’ve realised that things are the way they are, because they’re the way they are. That sounds pretty stupid… but what I’m getting at is that the meaning of existence is inherent… things exist because they don’t not exist. It’s like why creatures evolve to suit their environments; filling a niche because that’s just what happens. I’m filling a Patrick niche, my own little bit of consciousness, because there is an infinite realm of possible consciousness that I inhabit a tiny part of.

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Army of Absolutes

This is a tongue-in-cheek story roughly based on some choice ayahuasca trip reports.

Please do not take it too seriously.


Content notice: Racism, misogyny.


The bile pours out of his mouth into the plastic bucket

“No more!” is this boy’s mantra

But it keeps coming…

And the icaros continue…

Plaguing him with their terrifying Spanish-ness.

The headdress makes the shaman look like the devil.

Their savage superstitions are killing him!

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There is no LSD

This is a long story. It has two perspectives.

(1) I woke up one morning, took a moderate dose of LSD, had a psychotic break that lasted three days, and have continuing psychological issues as a result of the experience.

(2) We are all being constantly expelled from Divine Source, like loose clay from a spinning potter’s wheel, and enter deeper into illusion the further from Source we are flung. There was no LSD, there is no me, I am alone and lost, forever.

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The Noumenon-Numinon Nominum

The terms “Noumenous” and “Numinous” have both been used to describe the psychedelic experience, despite having etymologically distinct origins.
Noumenon is a term popularised by Kant to be contrasted with the term “phenomenon” – interpreted either as meaning “that which is thought” (as opposed to “that which is perceived”), or as the “unknowable nature of things.” It is derived from the Greek “noûs” meaning “mind.”
Numinous means “spiritual, mystical or religious in nature,” but can also be interpreted to mean a form of knowledge that can only be evoked through direct experience (rather than rationalisation or objective learning). It is derived from the Latin “numen” meaning “a deity or spirit residing over a place.”
These two words could arguably be sorted into the same Nominal (derived from the Latin “nomen” or “name”) category, since they both describe common facets of the psychedelic experience.
The “Noumenon-Numinon Nominum”